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Here I am…I think

November 25, 2013 By 1 Comment
Photo courtesy of pumpkinmook/Creative Commons

Photo courtesy of pumpkinmook/Creative Commons

I’m getting divorced. I just got dumped. I went from being a wife to a girlfriend in a very short period of time. Every self-help book is rolling its tear-stained eyes at me- I told you so. Rebound. Rebound. I suppose, technically, it was a rebound- but it was with someone I’ve known for twenty years that once the bruises on my ego heal will remain a close friend for life. I needed him. He was there at the exact moment I needed him to be in the exact way I needed him.

 And now, here I am, officially single for the first time since May 1999. Again, I know all the advice- learn to be alone. Find out who you are….blah blah blah.
But here’s the thing- part of who I am is my sexuality. And if you ask my ex-husband and my now ex-boyfriend, they’ll tell you the same thing:  I just assumed you were a lesbian and I was the exception. Now, we can chalk that up to the male ego, but I think they are on to something.
When I see women holding hands- I feel jealous. When I scroll through lesbian wedding photos on Pinterest, I feel jealous. While we all know that I’m not a straight girl, it also never occurs to me that straight girls don’t feel that kind of jealousy.
When I told people I was getting divorced, all my lesbian friends said- oh good, you can come out for real now. As if the bisexuality was just a soft landing.
Is it? I am 33 years old. I spent the last 14 years being a wife to a man.  Now that I’m single, I have to wonder: who am I really?
When I let my mind really really wander to the possibility of spending my life with someone else– that someone else isn’t usually a man. When I meet someone and that someone sticks with me for days and weeks- that person isn’t a man.
That doesn’t negate my relationships with men. It doesn’t make them any less real or meaningful. It doesn’t mean I don’t find them attractive– well, I find them attractive when their personalities are attractive to me…with women– it’s more visceral.
But men are easy. At least, I could probably walk into a bookstore for a book and come out with a date. But women? I live in a lovely community- but how would I ever meet someone? How would I even talk to a girl like the adorable barista at my favorite coffee shop?

I have a tattoo in Hebrew down my right wrist that reads: Here I am. It’s there for many reasons, but it is a constant reminder of the importance of being myself. Despite the ups and downs, the joys and griefs, the beauty and the ugliness, I am here living this life. I don’t know where I’m headed. I don’t know my final outcome, but I know if I don’t take this moment to find my truth, I’ll never be able to say: Here I am without wondering who I am.

 

 

Smarty

 

Over-sharing Zavtik Mama, Editor, Writer, Yiddish Lover, Reform Jew, Avid Public Breastfeeder, and now,  the Not-So-Silent B in LGBT, — Shoshana Rachel puts the Shosh in Meshuga one word  at a time.  Follow her on .

Filed Under: Bisexual, Girl, Pride, Sexual identity Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Comments

  1. says:
    November 26, 2013 at 7:09 AM

    I wish you peace, time, and a place for you to ponder. I wish I could say more, like do what feels like you, but I don’t know. All I know is that you are a lovely woman, a beautiful person, and your smile lights up a room. xo

    Reply