Feminists, I venture to say, approach marriage with less blinders on than most women. At least this feminist woman did/does. I have high expectations of the men around me: remain yourselves, because I love you for yourselves. But at the same time, we all have to remain vigilant that gender roles and mundane societal expectations do not creep in and render us inequal. And they do sneak up on you.
Nothing says things are unfair like facing the metaphor of six deadlines, 50 + hours of work a week and two kids needing something and a woman having to cook and clean because she is the….woman.
For the most part, I always think my husband and I are okay. He’s his own person. I’m my own person. More often than not , things are divided equally. But even the most feminist of husbands sometimes gets it wrong. This weekend mine had to watch his own kids while I was away working. Heaven forbid. Sometimes I’m not just a mom and wife. Sometimes I’m a writer too. Sometimes a performer. Sometimes I go (god forbid) away for the weekend to be a writer and performer.
And then the laundry piles up, and no one remembers to buy milk or give the cat fresher water, or put away the dishes after they’re washed or or or. What did the husband do before I married him? Surely he knew how to write a check and buy food?
And then it leaves me to ponder how my feminist shared responsibility and equality household. Why do we get married in the first place?
Right now I’m feeling a pride in my age. I’m 44. Feminist woman. Mother. Teacher. Writer. Performer. I look for a man who will be supportive of my endeavors and my efforts without trying to hold me back. When people hold you back, they hold themselves back too. At 44 I can take pride in calling bullshit on efforts to squelch my personality and my efforts and my endeavors. This doesn’t make me egotistical. If a man takes pride in his work, well , he just takes pride in his work and we move on. When a woman does it we have to analyze it awhile. Why isn’t she being demur? Soft spoken? Why isn’t she taking pride in her children’s accomplishments instead?
This is a product of our culture. Women are seen as being great when we sacrifice our own dreams for those of our family. When we go without so that they can go with. But when we take something for us, we become suspect. But we need to take something for ourselves otherwise we teach our children that doormatting is a great job to have. The cycle is endless. It’s like laundry and I’m tired of it.
To Do List for a Monday morning:
Get it from yourself.
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