The Unscripted Reality of Female Bisexuality

Just the other day, I was on my way to dinner with my ex-boyfriend. It was almost 90 degrees outside, the sun was beginning to set and the streets were filled with people. Mostly, people in their late twenties  to mid-thirties. As we walked, he commented on every woman we passed.

“What about her?”

“She’s hot.”

“Don’t you want her?”

I’d like to think men have learned enough social grace to keep their piggish comments to themselves (or, at least, in the company of other men), but somewhere along the way, my bisexuality seems to have given men a free pass.  It seems that, and this is the part that pisses me off, that the reality of my bisexuality has been hijacked by male fantasy.

My life is not a pornographic movie with little script and lots of closeups. I do not find myself in pigtails and stilettos having random sexual encounters with my hair dresser or the neighbor’s pretty little wife after our husbands have gone to work. I don’t look at every woman through the eyes of a man. And, no matter how comfortable I am with my desires and sexual identity, I don’t think about sex every time I see a pair of breasts attached to a body other than my own.

One of the most brilliant insights about male sexuality came from a friend who is a female to male transgender. The biggest change after becoming a man were not physical, he said. Instead, his ability to process information and concentrate changed markedly as a result of the testosterone coursing through his veins. The presence of what was sexually appealing overtook his brain in a way that never happened as a woman. Simply put, the male mind biologically processes desire differently than a woman — which, bisexual or not — is exactly what I happen to be.

My sexuality may dictate who I am sexually attracted to, but my gender dictates how I react to that sexual attraction. I could walk for a quite a long time and pass by countless women without ever thinking “Man, I want to bang her.” And, I could probably go my whole life without saying those words aloud.

It’s not to say I never find people on the street attractive, because I do. It’s only natural, isn’t it? That doesn’t mean my desire overtakes my ability to react.

As I walked with ex-boyfriend and listened to him try to bait me into the response his fantasies expected, I grew bored and finally spoke up. That made me a killjoy and I watched him roll his eyes, obviously annoyed I wasn’t willing to follow the script.

 

 

Over-sharing Zavtik Mama, Editor, Writer, Yiddish Lover, Reform Jew, Avid Public Breastfeeder, and now,  the Not-So-Silent B in LGBT, — Shoshana Rachel puts the Shosh in Meshuga one word  at a time.  Read her ever-evolving voice on her blog, Shoshuga or follow her on .