“I look gooooood! No seriously, I really look good!” I look in the mirror and I truly think, “you rock this girl” Naked, in yoga pants, jeans. Doesn’t matter. I like what I see. And yet…………………………..
I feel shame for what I’ve done. I’ve lost 50lbs. And gained it all back. Yep, every last pound. Okay, so I didn’t lose it overnight and I didn’t regain it overnight. Never one to crash diet, I lost it the sensible way. Eat less (and better) and move more. But you know what it was – a goal. Once I lost the first 50, I thought, “I got this. I can lose the last 10-15, but I can also cut myself a little slack. Put more focus on other goals. I got this. I got this – what’s 5 lbs gained? Must be water weight. Hmmmm, strange, I’ve gained 10lbs. Gotta get back at it, on Monday. Oh crap, I’ve gained 20 – starting to hate myself, avoiding the scale. I still look pretty good in the mirror. I can still kill it in the gym, during a run. I’ve got new goals – focused, loving them, I can miss this run, I can eat this (2nd) piece of cake, I can weigh in next week, next week, next week. Hmmm…my jeans don’t fit. Let’s put on yoga pants again today. After all, they’re more comfy. Okay, time for a reality check – I need to get on that scale. What?!?!?! I’ve re-gained 40lbs! Is this scale broken? Must be water weight.”
Nope here I am cloaked in the shame. How could I do this to myself? How am I going to un-do this? This is not guilt. Guilt doesn’t shatter me. This is shame. Brene Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.” I am flawed as a coach. I coach people to reach for their dreams, to take chances, to do the hard work. I am flawed as a mother – what kind of example am I being to my pre-teen beautiful daughter?
WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! What kind of example am I being to allow this to define me? What kind of example am I being to my daughter if I shame myself because of some weight gain? Trust me, it’s the least interesting thing about me. I am not FLAWED, I DID SOMETHING flawed. I forgot that my decisions were life choices, not a goal. I forgot to stay on track and reassess. I forgot to make loving choices for my body. But man, did I love the original journey. I loved watching my body change into a more powerful machine. One that slept well. One that had new muscles popping out all over the place. One that did triathlons, one that did ½ marathons, one that did 4 day bike trips with a pack on my back. I just forgot how much I loved it.
I am not perfect. I am human. And in that I am worthy. Worthy of love, of connection, of belonging. I sit here with tears falling down, like pounds melting away. Pounds that don’t matter. Shame that is shedding. This is the most interesting thing about me. This real, vulnerable person who makes mistakes and learns from them. Who loves fully and who is learning to love herself even more than yesterday. And who picks herself up after she falls.
With Love,
Michaella O’Connor is a coach, a speaker, an advocate of mentorship for women and girls and a life-list enthusiast and the newest member to our Girl Body Pride writing team. She is always on the look-out for a new adventure and enjoys living on her edge. She is committed to effecting women to live their richest, fullest, most kickass lives and is having a blast doing it! Connect with Michaella on , , and on her website.
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I hope you have enjoyed my contribution to the blog and I look forward to hearing your thoughts and your own personal journey’s.
xo
Michaella
I have never, by any BMI indicator, been overweight. I have always worried about my weight.
I have never, in my life, needed to read anything more than I needed to read this post – right now and every day. For a thousand … things … said and done to me in my life, I have been suicidal since I was 13. Today, I know and will always tell myself – I am not flawed.
And, because I need to say it and I can (I hope) say it here – fuck you, Mom.
You are beautiful and amazing and incredible as you are. The scale does not define how we feel about ourselves which is why women of all shapes and sizes deal with body image issues. This is not just a “Fat Girls Unite” party. We are here for you. Please seek help if you feel that are going to hurt yourself. And know that you are not flawed. We love you.
Wow Jules, I am incredibly struck by your brave vulnerability. I believe things show up in our lives for a reason and I look forward to the greatness that will come out of you now that you know you are not flawed, that you are more than your weight. You are not here by accident and do not deny us of your gifts. I love the idea of you reading this every day as a reminder. What about little notes to yourself? “I am not flawed” In your journal, on your mirror, in your bag. Little sacred places for only you to see. Because you are not flawed. You are loved in your imperfections. They are what make you human and lovable.
Thank you for your post ~ xo Michaella
Beautiful piece. Inspiring. My wish and goal is to internalize some of this.
I am honored Michaella shared this post with Girl Body Pride. And that it has touched so many
Thank you Rachel. Would love to hear about your journey to internalize. We learn so much about ourselves when we share our journey and in turn we give others an opportunity to start their own.
xo
Michaella
YES! I am also walking around with the 40 pounds I just lost. JUST LOST. And I have been shamed. I feel like walking shame and a big walking FUCK YOU in the same breath.
Love to hear more about the walking shame and the big walking f/u. Curious… xo Michaella