The Princess & the Pop Star: Let the (Pregnancy) Games Begin

 

Betcha never thought you’d see Princess Kate and Jessica Simpson’s names in the same headline, did ya? I sure as hell never figured I’d be writing one. But as the media begins to drool with excitement over the chance to photograph, comment on, criticize, and then over-analyze every possible body angle and exactly how much weight is (or isn’t) gained throughout their respective pregnancies, I’d like to take this moment to simply say to Kate and Jessica how sorry I am for the bullies running unchecked on the playground.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m thrilled for both women and their pregnancies. I’m a mother of one very precocious five-year-old and she is my everything. Becoming pregnant was a battle and the pregnancy itself was a nightmare, so I don’t take for granted the fact that I am lucky enough to have her her with me to begin with. I’m sure Kate and William are over the moon about becoming first time parents, and deservedly so. I am also figuring (okay, hoping) that Jessica’s reps were smart enough to make sure there was an Oops Baby clause in her $4 million dollar contract with Weight Watchers, because well, obviously.

But therein lies the reason for the preemptive apology on behalf of the world. Forget the Superbowl Halftime show. Celeb Pregnancies have turned into a spectator sport all their own and the mother-to-be and her feelings downgraded to the Opening Act for nine months of Bump Watch and Body Bashing. It’s also tied into the reason Girl Body Pride tags posts on occasion with “Why Society Sucks Sometimes”.

I know both Kate and Jessica aren’t new to the media frenzy that comes with fame. But I’m a bit concerned for both women and how their respective changing bodies will be pitted against each other. I’ve read articles setting the scene for a battle of the classes with the proper princess vs. the unmarried former pop star, but that’s only a very small part of the larger issue at hand.

Kate is built like my friend Sara, who actually lost 15 pounds during her pregnancies due to complications that kept her hospitalized throughout most of both to make sure she and each baby were healthy. Jessica falls more into my own category- naturally curvy with the ability to gain 20 pounds just looking at a doughnut. I was hospitalized three times with severe dehydration and kept on some serious meds to keep the nausea associated with full term hyperemis gravidarum at bay and my bump still brought 45 pounds with it because carbohydrates love me and karma hates me. Sara and I used to joke about who had it worse and I’d tell her how lucky she was that I liked her because she was giving me a complex. On the other hand, when Sara was finally healthy enough to start gaining weight after giving birth and start looking more like herself and less like she needed a cheeseburger (or six), we both cheered and laughed because how often does a new mom want to put on weight?

I might be way off base here, but I see Kate and Jessica being turned into the public Sara and me. The only difference is that they don’t know each other and probably won’t give a damn when the tabloids start to run side-by-side images comparing the two women and their bodies (which are very different to begin with). Jessica has already weathered one very public pregnancy and  Kate is no doubt ready to handle what comes her way.

At least, I hope. Because it’s already starting with Kate’s hospitalization and headlines questioning if she is having twins while Jessica and her weight are already front and center. I mean, have you seen what having a baby seven months after giving birth will do to a woman’s body? Let’s not even get into the How Fast Can She Lost It craze that will follow.

And for the slow kids in class, Hillary Duff boasting her post baby size 26 jeans she worked herself back into actually equates to a size 2. The 26 would be the size of Duff’s waist in inches. Pardon me while I go cry in a corner at the local Lane Bryant, will ya?

For the Princess and the Pop Star, Everyone will have an opinion on every bump, bulge, bite taken, bump spotted, and the final total gained or lost. Magazines will sell, online media outlets will be followed for pregnancy updates, and we all get to sit back and watch, grateful that we aren’t famous but maybe wishing we were just famous enough to send Kate and Jessica a text message here and there telling them that we get it.

My first message to both?

Enjoy your pregnancy. Love your body and cherish that growing baby inside of you. Also? Fuck the media and it’s obsession with weight and Other People’s Bodies. I’m sorry society sucks. You got this.

 

Pauline Campos contributes to Funny Not Slutty, Owning Pink, and 30 Second Mom. She blogs three times a week at Aspiring Mama (or when she remember to take her Adderall) and is the founder of Girl Body Pride.