Naked

Warning: While all content on Girl Body Pride deals with emotional and mental health as it relates to body image and self-perception, please recognize that what follows contains possibly triggering content. Please, if you or someone you know and love needs it, seek help. We promise to hold your hand as long as you need us to.

 

I always assumed  humiliation was a public act where you stood on a stage in your Prom dress with pig’s blood dripping down your face. I thought the world needed to see you at your most vulnerable.

 

Every self-esteem ad, every anti-bullying campaign shares the same message: You are NOT worthless. And yet,  the moment someone humiliates you, worthless is exactly how you feel. While public humiliation is horrifying– private humiliation by the person you trust and love is unbearable.

 

We all have weaknesses. Most of us can disguise our  weaknesses: drinking alone, covering our cut marks with long sleeves or hiding shopping bags in the closet. But when your body is your weakness, there is nowhere to hide. When you’re overweight and your nose is too big and your boobs are too small and you tower over most men and your clothes aren’t fancy enough…there are no disguises.

 

If, like me,  you fall into a socially unacceptable category like being overweight, the gloves are off. People no longer feel their comments are cruel or thoughtless. Instead their hurtful words are helpful or caring because we should be thankful they care so much about our health that they need to remind us we are fat.

I

In another world, in another life, I had a girlfriend. She was beautiful and kind and thoughtful. She also happened to be thin. As one of my lesbian friends said once, “if I wasn’t a feminist, I’d give you a high five.” In essence, she was a hot girl. Her beauty was the polar opposite of mine. And despite my usual confidence, I had to pinch myself that she was in love with me.  It was hard for us to find actual time together, so for a long time, our encounters were short and clothed.  This love was intense. It was the kind of love you have when you’re fifteen:  love notes, mix-tapes, gifts, and  three hour long phone conversations.

 

Until she saw me naked.

 

We spent a weekend together and then we jumped back into our busy lives. And just as suddenly, she was distant. When I tried to talk to her about it, she pushed me away. I pushed back because it just didn’t make sense.

My pushing broke her patience.  She admitted: “I wanted to be with you, but every time we saw each other before, you were wearing clothes. Your clothes cover you so well. But, once I saw all of you, I was turned off. You call yourself curvy, but you are way more than curvy.”

 

And suddenly, it was over. Not because she didn’t like my insides, but because my body wasn’t worthy of her love. Even now, I’m dressed and covered yet feel naked and ashamed. I am vulnerable.

I am worthless.

 

 

Over-sharing Zavtik Mama, Editor, Writer, Yiddish Lover, Reform Jew, Avid Public Breastfeeder, and now,  the Not-So-Silent B in LGBT, — Shoshana Rachel puts the Shosh in Meshuga one word  at a time.  Read her ever-evolving voice on her blog, Shoshuga or follow her on . For her bigger fight on female equality, see her vlog on the great Jewish Women’s Organization Women of the Wall.