Filled with Gold

When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something has suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.

I’m damaged.

Broken. Messed up. Fat.

I’m weathered.

Not good enough. Never will be.

So many cracks. So much to fix.

So much to wish away.

I’m imperfect.

A bad example for the daughter I hope grows up to be nothing like me.

I don’t want her to have to pretend confidence, self-love, and pride in herself and her actions.

I want her to not understand my struggles. So I pretend.

Every morning. Every moment my brain slows down enough to think and not do.

If I pretend, she might not notice. She might believe.

So I fill myself with gold.

And I hope she believes that I believe I am beautiful.

Pauline Campos contributes to Funny Not Slutty, Owning Pink, and 30 Second Mom. She blogs three times a week at Aspiring Mama (or when she remember to take her Adderall) and is the founder of Girl Body Pride.