My daughter is five. I’m not afraid to have “The Talks” with her. She already knows that smoking is unhealthy, that there are substances we choose not to put into our bodies, and that Modest is Hottest. I knew we’d be having these conversations, and I was prepared for them. But do you know what I wasn’t prepared for? Talking about “Pretty.”
She is pretty. She’s also very bright. Wonderful with language, empathetic, patient. There’s a lot of love in this little girl. So why do I feel my hackles rise when she asks if she looks pretty?
Will this bow make me pretty?
Am I pretty now that I’m wearing this necklace?
If my hair is black like yours, will I be pretty?
There’s nothing wrong with pretty. We all want to be pretty. But the definition of pretty seems to change day by day. What is pretty? Las Vegas pretty is different than rural Utah pretty. Five-year-old pretty is different than 30-year-old pretty. There’s natural pretty, and extreme pretty (think Anastasiya Shpagina). Disney princesses are pretty. Brave women scarred by acid attacks are beautiful, but no longer pretty.
How do I explain pretty to my daughter?
My mother handled it beautifully, and I’ll always respect her for it. Whenever somebody said that I or one of my cousins were pretty, she always said, “Yes, and she’s so smart, too.” She’d point out something else, something to build pretty on, and we never felt like we had to be cute to get through life, or that we didn’t have anything else to offer. I do that with my daughter. I don’t want to take pretty away from her, because I think it’s natural for little girls to want to be pretty, but I don’t want that to be their only worth in life.
I told my daughter that the way you act shows on your face. I said people who are nice tend to have happy faces, and if somebody is mean and bitter, it can show up on their faces. I told her that it’s hard to live a life of mean and have a happy, nice face. To be pretty, you have to act pretty.
I hope that’s the right thing to say.
Mercedes M. Yardley wears red stilettos and poisonous flowers in her hair. She has been published in many anthologies and periodicals. Her first short story collection, was released in October 2012 by Shock Totem. Swing by and see her at www.mercedesyardley.com.
I totally relate to this. I tell both my kids how cute they are constantly (boy and girl) and it’s about what they say, do and how they look. I also tell them that they’re smart, strong, good at this or that, clever, etc. It makes me uncomfortable when other people mention how cute or pretty my daughter is. It seems it’s the ONLY thing they say about her. To my son they say, “you’ve gotten so big” or “You’re so strong/fast/etc” to my daughter it’s always “look at your pretty pigtails” “what a pretty dress” etc. I also try to balance it with a response about how smart she is, how much she’s growing, etc. I remember when I was little I thought being pretty was where it was at. It was what I had going on. What I was good at. I don’t want my daughter feeling the same way.
My dad always told me I looked better when I smiled, and I tell my girls the same thing. I think your response is perfect! I like your mom’s response, too. I’ll have to use that.
It’s realy hard because you want your daughter to feel good about herself with out making her a diva. I allways try to reinforce that pretty isn’t everything and that smart strong and other things are equally improtant.
Mercedes, your response to your daughter is a good one. I don’t think we ever want to take pretty away from girl children but we do need to teach them as you have stated that there is so much more to pretty than what initially meets the eye. It is all a balancing act and it is never easy. Cheers, Ardee-ann