I want to blame Maggie, the girl who sat in front of me in sophomore geometry, who brazenly announced her sexuality on t-shirts. I want to blame the “open-minded” group of girls at Jewish Leadership camp with short hair, low-cut shirts, and a penchant for Phish. Or, my hometown of Madison, Wisconsin where the 10% Society dance was the cool place to be on a Friday night. Maybe, I could even blame the paper I wrote on same-sex marriage my senior year of high school.
In reality, I blame no one. My acceptance and understanding of my own sexuality has been clear to me since puberty. However, my life at 32 is a different story. I don’t go around waving rainbow flags or speaking out about my sexuality. If you ask me, I’ll tell you. But really, no one ever asks. While LGBT is the politically correct term- LG and T are really more appropriate. No one truly talks much about the B.
I am the Silent B. I am the girl you assume wants to try on girls and go back to my hetero privilege. I am not curious. I am not a choice. I am Queer, yet I’ve never said that outside my own head. I am the ex-girlfriend of a nice Jewish girl from New Orleans, who is now a married OBGYN in Baltimore. I am the wife of a Giant Gentile, who has known my truth for thirteen years. I am the mother of two, who feels weird telling the world who else I’d like to kiss.
I am not part of the parade. I am not in the Thursday night support group or at the Friday night Lesbian bar. Yet, my people sit inside swapping stories and sharing drinks. Somehow, both sides view my sexuality as a choice. They assume because I fell in love with a man that I’m either hiding from my lesbian truth or playing around with straight curiosity. They are wrong. I am neither. LGT is not a choice and neither is B.
I don’t want to be silent. I don’t want to be an afterthought.
I am bisexual and now… I am out.
Over-sharing Zavtik Mama, Editor, Writer, Yiddish Lover, Reform Jew, Avid Public Breastfeeder, and now, the Not-So-Silent B in LGBT, — Shoshana Rachel puts the Shosh in Meshuga one word at a time. Read her ever-evolving voice on her blog, Shoshuga or follow her on .
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I am married to a man with 3 handsome sons and also a bisexual. While i have been very outspoken about my sexuality i understand your feelings of rejection from the LGT community. I was with strictly women for 4 years before meeting, falling in love, and marrying my husband. As another reader said…it just worked out that way. I have been called a “fence hopper” and “cake eater”, “greedy” and “selfish” and i reject all of those names. I love who i am and how i feel. I find beauty in both men and women. I have a close knit group of gay friends. My kids and I attend family friendly gay pride events. And i do this for 2 reason. One is i AM a part of this minority group and two because i want my kids to grow up knowing that no matter what sexuality they turn out having it is OK!
Wow. Just finally was to read this (you tweeted me the link yesterday). If I had known how powerful it was, I wouldn’t have gotten distracted and sat on it for a day! I love your perspective and I’m so thankful to you for sharing it. Because people that are anything other than the B, don’t get it. Can’t possible get it unless you help us get it.
Brave post.
Bravo, girl. Very well done. Proud of you for being true to YOU and having faith in your own voice. Thank you for sharing with us. xo
There is freedom in sharing and celebrating who you are. SUCH FREEDOM. Risky, yes. Out of your comfort zone? Yes.
BUT IT”S YOUR LIFE, and now: the smile of no secrets is on your lips.
Proud of you, girl.
Proud to know you.
much love to you! Where would I be without you?
Words are not sufficient to describe what I feel right now. You amaze me every day. You are brave and wise, courageous and inspirational. As I read the supportive words in response to your post my eyes fill with tears. Tears of pride (no pun intended), relief, joy and honor. A weight lifted, another bold step in your journey. I love you so much and it is an honor to call you my sister and my friend.
I’m so happy for you that you’ve opened up and claimed who you are…thank you for sharing yourself with us, I’m so glad to have met you.
I’m so glad to have met you too! The support is amazing. There are so many great women out there. I hope even more open their mouths and speak!
WOOOO!!! Amazing post from an amazing woman. xo
I’m glad you liked it. It’s always such a treat to share with you.
Amazing post, Amazing woman, Amazing support from everyone here. Also? Thanks to everyone here (And to Shoshana) for hopping on my journey to self-acceptance and discovery. It’s like a road trip with lots of detours and chair dancing.
I’m honored that I could use your space to share. I am so glad that I am one woman among many that is helping you on your own journey. We don’t need to have the same experiences in order to inspire and teach each other what it means to love ourselves. Road trips always need detours and chair dancing!
high five. fist pumps. hugs. squeals and more high fives. there. that covers it.
Powerful! Cheering for you.
so that’s why I liked the Queerosphere party so much…
Woohoo, Shosh! So proud of you for writing and sharing this so publicly. You’re an inspiration to many and I know this will help lots of people. Hooray and THANK YOU for standing up and making yourself heard!
xoxo
You and your Gay Dad Project have been an inspiration. If we were all just a little bit braver, maybe we all could be a little bit happier.
AMAZING!
now, you can’t wait to work with me
Damn this phone. “out” and “Hope it will be OK for you.”
Very brave. I remember supporting someone who came our as bi over twenty years ago. Seems to be the only group not taken seriously even now. Hope it will for you.
I hope to be taken seriously to. Everyone’s comments show that it’s possible if people are willing to talk.
Welcome out!
I am so proud of you and happy for you that you have made the choice to voice who you are. I am also bisexual (more specifically, pansexual) and in a great hetero marriage to a man who is wonderful and supportive.
You are an inspiration, and I hope that your story will encourage others to no longer be silent.
xo
Dawn
Thanks for sharing! I’d love to hear more of your story! Maybe we need to start a series.
Your sharing here is tremendous. You should feel proud of yourself for being able to do so. I am proud to read your words and hear your voice. I don’t want to say I’m sorry that both sides react to you in a certain way … sorry is the wrong word. I just want for you to be recognized for who you are and how you feel. Does that make sense? Sending you love and hopes that who you are always shines through. xo
It makes perfect sense. I started thinking about writing this post when I read a post on QueerieBradshaw about bisexuality. I told her I would reply to her post. This isn’t really a reply–it’s the opening up of a dialogue.
Excellent post, Shosh. I’d love to see more of this from you, but I know how hard it can be to write ’til the truth comes home. So well done, and I am proud to know you.
As I said earlier, it’s there, its just always in the story format
. I’m sure I can blow your mind on YeahWrite at some point. Thank you for being proud of me. It means a lot.
And you are brave and awesome and I love you.
You’re brave too lady! You speak up even when you don’t have to. I love that about you.
You are amazing. Bravo – I never assume ANY leanings are a choice. Go, Shosh, go!!!
Thanks! It’s all my open writers and kind friends who have led me to this point. You are among those wondrous writers.
Look at you! I’m so proud of you! I’m also a bisexual woman that happens to be married to a man. It just happened that way. We fell in love and that was that. Turns out, after 5 years of marriage that HE is bisexual too! Imagine that! He revealed his experiences with me just recently. I’ve always been more open about my feelings, but it was harder for him. That’s OK with me, social norms somehow make it more acceptable for women than men to “swing both ways”. I’m glad the proverbial cat is out of the bag, for all of us.
Thank you for sharing! I said in an earlier comment, we should all get our stories out there. The more people hear, the less misunderstood we will be. I would assume that it would be harder for him because society views bisexual men in a more confused light.
Oh, Shosh! Hooray for you for accepting your whole self. And thank you for sharing that whole self with us.
Always good. You are an excellent role model for accepting one’s self and being open about life’s experiences.
I’m queer in straight-looking life, too, and I get the weird exclusion. It’s a comfort to see others open it up, too. Thank you.
I love that phrase, “queer in a straight-looking life.” It’s a six word memoir! I keep saying, we all need to share!
Congrats Shosh! Much Much Much Love to You!