It was when I took my not-yet-five-year-old daughter to see the forensic doctor who would photograph her body and complete what is commonly referred to as a “rape kit” that I began to wonder if she truly believed us when we told her she was beautiful.
Yes, I’m the mom of a child who was sexually assaulted when she was four-and-a-half. And my job of nurturing a positive body image, self confidence and a sense of inner beauty became so much more difficult because of it. I’ve seen the statistics about child sexual abuse survivors. How significant percentages of girl survivors have eating disorders, engage in body mutilation, or feel they are ugly, fat or worthless. I know there are moms out there, like me, thinking they’re alone because no one can connect us because of privacy laws.
When statistics show that 25% of girls under 18 have been sexually assaulted, I know I shouldn’t feel like I’m alone. I know there are other moms out there with the same worries and concerns I have. I’m not just dealing with some dorky tween or teen boy talking smack to my daughter. I’m not only concerned with other girls at school talking about being fat when there’s more fat in my skinny latte than on that little girl’s thighs.
I’m dealing with thoughts that creep in because of something that happened to my daughter when she was too young to know that she was anything but beautiful. I’m dealing with societal beliefs that “girls like her” are broken. I’m dealing with stupid people who can’t let go that maybe, just maybe, she’s OK with still looking like a kid.
She says she believes us when we tell her she is beautiful. Yet, I wonder if that half-hearted smile and “thanks” means my daughter is starting to wonder the same thing many of us thought as young girls – that they’re just saying it because they have to. Or even worse, for me, that those words – “you’re beautiful” – mean something is expected in return. That her beauty is how she’ll be judged, the basis of why people like her, or the first determination of whether she’s worthy.
I’m no different than all the other “mom of girls” out there who wonder if I’m doing this right. But when my daughter tells me her “Number 12” shorts are feeling snug and we need to see if they have “Number 13s” I can’t help but smile a little and say “YES!”. Because, at least for now, she knows size is just a number and it doesn’t mean anything more.
Building our daughters’ self confidence starts early. It can also be broken down early by a society intent on judging our daughters by the same unrealistic standards used to judge women. But my daughter has one thing many young girls don’t have – years of therapy under her belt. Therapy specifically designed to help her feel confident, understand her emotions and communicate with me and her dad about what she’s feeling. Therapy we went to because her innocence was taken. It’s not the holy grail, but it did give her something tangible to use when the world starts hurling words meant to leave permanent marks.
Having spent hundreds of hours in therapy has made my job a little easier. Having a professional help me see that beauty was not taken away gives me hope that my daughter sees the same. That my daughter sees the same beautiful girl I see every time I look at her.
Sara Hawkins is a wife, mom, volunteer, writer, speaker, thinker and doer. Sara blogs at Saving For Someday about life, saving money, and finally doing all those things that get put off until “someday”. She can also be found on spreading pixie dust.
Sara, thank god for parents like you. You listen to and believe your daughter. That stands her on much firmer ground than many survivors. Bravo, and sending tons of love your way.
Thank you, Aliza. I never realize that not believing my daughter was an option until I wrote about this experience and others told me they weren’t when it happened to them. I do hope it’s something that stands out to my daughter as she meets other survivors.
Sara, Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful post. I cannot imagine what you and your family have experienced, but your work towards helping remind your daughter that she is beautiful is critical, as a mom to a daughter I feel your confusion and your pain with respect to the number on the clothing and the *pretty* parts of their lives, but I cannot imagine how much harder it is for you, and I thank you for being brave enough to share. Much love.
Andrea, thank you for visiting and sharing your thoughts. I know raising a confident daughter isn’t an easy task for anyone these days. I hope that by speaking out we can all be part of that village helping young girls to believe in themselves and know that when they’re told they are beautiful and smart and capable that they believe it and don’t think there are strings attached.
Sara: As a mother with two girls of my own, I truly couldn’t understand what you are feeling day to day. I will pray for you and your daughter.
On a related sidenote, I am not sure if you’ve heard about a powerful documentary and movement called “Finding Kind.” You may want to check it out: http://findingkind.indieflix.com/home/. I just watched the movie last week and it touched everyone – both males and females.
May God bless your family.
Kristal, thank you for your kind thoughts and your prayers. I believe in the power of prayer and the positive energy and love sent to me and my family. Thank you for sharing “Finding Kind”. I had not heard of it and will definitely check it out.
Lovely post. Thank you for vocalizing this important issue. Your daughter is lucky to have such a mother!
Betsy, thank you for your kindness and for your support. It’s not easy to talk about, but knowing others support me makes it easier.
Hugs and love for you and your daughter, Sara. I admire you for not only dealing with this difficult situation, but also talking about it. I know someone whose daughter was abused by her cousin, and she chose to ignore it and think that it wouldn’t happen again. I often wonder how it will affect her little girl in the future.
Is it wrong of me to want to scream “NOOOOO!”? I can’t imagine how I could live if I just ignored what happened. The mental and emotional weight of doing something is heavy, very heavy. But I can’t imagine carrying it around and pretending it doesn’t exist. I hated being treated like I was (still am sometimes), that I somehow let this happen to my child. But I wanted my daughter to know that even though I couldn’t stop what happened, I could stop it from being her burden.
I hope, for the young girl you know of that one day she speaks up and feels the power of being validated.
Much love for you and your daughter. I am a victim of abuse from my father and I thank you for being such an amazing mother.
Aimee, I didn’t know. And I’m so sorry you had that experience at the hands of someone who should have been protecting you. Knowing your strength and general awesomeness gives me the hope that my daughter, too, will be strong and amazing.
I didn’t think there was an option besides believing my daughter and fighting for her. And I refuse to let her think she’s anything but beautiful and perfect. Just as I don’t want you to think you’re anything less than beautiful and perfect too!
Sara,
So proud of and amazed by you. Your sharing this will help sooo many others. I cannot imagine what you all (and especially your daughter) have been through, but having you for a mom will make a HUGE difference. You are smart and strong, and you will see her through this (you’ve already been doing that!). Therapy does so much good and I know that will also aid her on her journey. As for the statistics you cited? I’m appalled. This is scary. More power to you for speaking up & out about this. xoxo
Erin, thank for you for your kind words. It’s not easy to speak out but I know I need to do this, so I’m not continuing to live with shame and so my daughter doesn’t feel ashamed for something she had no choice in.
Thanks for sharing this, and for being such a fabulous Mom. Your daughter has a chance at realizing her beauty without the jaded eyes of an abuse victim. It will be tough for her at times, but she has you and your understanding to fall back on. That’s something that so many survivors do not have.
Thank you, V, for your kind words and support. It helps to know that there are people out in the world who won’t look at her and see “victim” and use those glasses to see her. Speaking openly isn’t easy, but I know that the more I speak out the more power I give to her and others like her.